The Constant Updater
Everyone has at least 8 of these people in their Friends list. These are the people that constantly make new status updates so that all you see when you log in is their giant disproportionate head getting in the way of the stuff you might actually care about. Public Service Announcement: your life is not interesting to anyone. Based on the status updates about EVERYTHING that happens in your life, I have come to the conclusion that your life sucks. Living your life would be a form of torture that should be banned in all but the worst of sovereign nations. I hate that you subject me to this hell. I hate you. Do us all a favor and follow these simple directions:
Congratulations. You have done mankind a great service.
Check-ins
To a burglar, Facebook check-ins are the best invention ever. You are literally giving them a window of opportunity rob you. But I guess I get the point of checking in at a place. You can broadcast to your "close" network of friends where you're at so they can meet up with you. Maybe you tell everyone that you're at the Bulls game so they can seethe with jealousy. Or check-in at Alinea to tell everyone that you ball out of control. I dunno, if I go somewhere and want people to know about it, I'll contact you first so I'm not the idiot standing around staring at my phone as I check-in and wait. Whatever. But the shitty checkins have gone overboard.
Jeff checked in at Starbucks.
Awesome, you go to Starbucks like 100 million other Americans. Kudos, you do nothing differently than the rest of the country.
Jeff checked in at Applebee's
Oh great, a chain restaurant that barely qualifies as food. This is embarrassing, so stop it. Everyone is aware of these chains, and everyone is aware that the food here is nothing to tell the world about.
Jeff checked in at Crisp
Ok, this is something I care about, Crisp kicks some serious ass. Go try them, best fried chicken in Chicago.
If you fall into one of these categories, please don't request me to be your Facebook Friend again when I mysteriously show back up on your "suggestions" page. I unfriended you for a reason.
Jeff checked in at Starbucks.
Awesome, you go to Starbucks like 100 million other Americans. Kudos, you do nothing differently than the rest of the country.
Jeff checked in at Applebee's
Oh great, a chain restaurant that barely qualifies as food. This is embarrassing, so stop it. Everyone is aware of these chains, and everyone is aware that the food here is nothing to tell the world about.
Jeff checked in at Crisp
Ok, this is something I care about, Crisp kicks some serious ass. Go try them, best fried chicken in Chicago.
People that think Facebook Revolves Around Them
These are the self-absorbed douchebags that think it's appropriate to broadcast to the world something that applies to nobody except for maybe one person. You know, the "I love you" messages. The ever-so-chilling "I'm so mad at you!" Who are you talking to? Your parents because you're some angst-ridden teen with a vendetta? Why are you telling the world this shit? This adds zero value to my Feed. I see these messages and automatically wonder if you're worth being friends with. This action typically results in a minimum of blocking all future status updates from you. What I should really do is delete you from my Facebook friends list, and maybe figure out how to delete you from life itself.
If you fall into one of these categories, please don't request me to be your Facebook Friend again when I mysteriously show back up on your "suggestions" page. I unfriended you for a reason.
Hahaha love it! I don't think I'm any of those and I am glad we are still friends on fb cuz you know that shit is official
ReplyDeleteYou're like the Asian Andy Rooney.
ReplyDeleteI still haven't tried crisp! There's never parking around there around eating time. But I think it's the kids of the Great Seas owners?
ReplyDeleteCrisp is awesome, I will gladly go with you guys if you want an even 4 at the table. There's actually a pretty reasonable parking lot where they're supposed to build the Dominick's (for the past 5 years). The lot is just north of Crisp on the west side of the street.
ReplyDeleteI would like to add people who put up 10 million pictures of their children.. We get it your kids are cute but I'd like to move on with my life now.
ReplyDeleteAlso on a similar topic women who post inappropriate prego pictures. I didn't want to see you naked when you were not knocked up and I don't want to see it now. Thanks.